There’s a new virus in town. It’s spreading among the population at a far faster rate of speed than COVID-19. This virus is passed easily from person to person, hitting the unsuspecting host like a hot skillet to the face. Carriers often exhibit symptoms such as self-adulation, impulsivity, increased heart rate, hostility, uncontrolled verbal spewing, and uninhibited rage resulting in partial or complete blindness.
Rudeness-20 is here. Masks won’t help and social distancing isn’t an option — its spores can travel through phones and screens, finding us on-the-go and at home.
A study conducted by researchers at the University of Florida and published in the Journal of Applied Psychology found that rudeness is indeed akin to a virus. When we encounter rude behavior from someone (the carrier), it makes us (the newly infected) more likely to perceive rudeness in later interactions. That perception makes us more likely to be impolite in return, spreading rudeness to other people we may encounter throughout the day. The impact doesn’t stop there, however; just like those who experience rudeness firsthand, people who witness it secondhand were also more likely to be rude to others. Talk about contagious.
And like a highly infectious pathogen, rudeness destroys its host in other ways. Mounting research shows rudeness can lower trust, spark feelings of anger, fear and sadness, and cause depression. One study found increased rudeness had personal-life implications, including a drop in marital satisfaction. Even more troubling, studies in 2015 and 2017 found that doctors and nurses in neonatal intensive care units who were scolded by an actress pretending to be the mother of a sick infant performed significantly worse than those who did not — even misdiagnosing the infant’s condition. These medical teams who were exposed to rudeness went on to give wrong diagnoses, not resuscitate or ventilate appropriately, dispense incorrect medications, and make other serious mistakes.
So you may be now asking yourself: What is the source of Rudeness-20?
One could argue any one or all of the following:
- Stronger underscoring of our historically individualistic culture.
- Inflammatory political leadership demonstrated by both sides of the aisle that has a trickle-down effect on the population (I’ll repeat this again, as I know there will be a handful of people who start making assumptions. I said, both sides of the aisle.)
- The conscious and subconscious feelings of uncertainty, anxiety, fear, and anger resulting from a global pandemic and bubbling racial and socioeconomic tensions.
- The rise of an “on-demand” tech economy that has heightened our expectations of other humans to an unrealistic level.
The strongest source contributor I believe, though, is a little something called “Power without Status.” And it’s exactly why I believe the philosophy that “The customer is always right” is actually terribly wrong.
Nathanael Fast works at the University of Southern California and is of the nation’s top academics. He’s considered an expert in the study of power, status, and consequences. His work, and that of other researchers, has found that Power without Status can not only lead to rudeness, but abuse and even violence. If left unchecked, the spell of Power without Status tends to lead to intoxicatingly devastating results.
People who are in positions of Power without Status are essentially “Low-level authoritarians with just enough power to tell us we have to do something, but not quite enough power to make us,” according to Danny Wallace, author of F You Very Much: Understanding the Culture of Rudeness — And What We Can Do About It.
Customers are often in positions of Power without Status. That is… we’ve all been in this position at one time or another. Not every customer will take advantage of their Power without Status role. But, if a customer walks into a place of business, and let’s say they were just that day infected with Rudeness-20 — that customer is primed to spread the contagion. That’s because many businesses in a variety of industries have long held to the belief that the customer is always right — and that credo is exactly what gives us customers just enough power to inflame Rudeness-20 fever, IF the conditions are ripe for doing so.
You might think the spell of Power without Status would never affect you; however, no one is immune. Not even the author of the words you’re currently reading. Admittedly (and with much shame), I recently spread some major verbal contagion to an innocent customer service rep, the results of which ultimately inspired this post. So, let’s back it up for a minute and allow me to replay the scene to you.
I had ordered a new couch from a major furniture retailer who, at the last minute, would continually change our delivery date. This went on for two months before I finally lost my marbles. I called customer service practically frothing at the mouth. In speaking to the representative, my anger heightened, climaxing to a point of no return. I reached the mountain peak and lit the fuse, dropping an F-bomb in all its fiery glory. And for a moment, time stood still. I could practically feel my husband cringing from the other room. The representative was quiet. I was quiet. When she did speak, her response took me by surprise:
“Ma’am. I understand your frustration, but I’m a person and I don’t deserve to be spoken to that way. We can either have a productive conversation about this, or I can choose not to speak to you any further.”
And there it was. Good ol’ Deborah in customer service just demonstrated to me the Rudeness-20 vaccine. In my analysis, it has three ingredients (steps):
- Showcase Empathy
- Foster Awareness
- Provide Choice to Engage (Toward Solution)
Let’s take a closer look at each.
- Showcase Empathy. Numerous studies have demonstrated that empathy neutralizes negativity. When confronted with Rudeness-20, immediately work to de-escalate the situation by diffusing tension. Acknowledge the carrier’s frustrations. Better still, empathy is best applied by injecting your own relatable experience. For example:
“I understand your frustration that we’re out of ribeye tonight. I recently went out to eat and the restaurant was out of my favorite dessert, so I know how it feels when you have your heart set on something!”
2. Foster Awareness. The best way to stop a Rudeness-20 contagion is by helping the carrier recognize their bad behavior. Because, let’s face it — when in the heat of the moment, we’re often blind to our own actions. (If you’ve ever wondered where the term “Blind Rage” came from, there you go.) Remind the carrier of your human-ness. It sounds bizarre, but in a world where the average American spends up to 12 hours per day staring at a screen, it’s frighteningly easy to become out of touch with reality and human oneness. From there, acknowledge that the encounter is being perceived as less than savory, and suggest a better way for you both to move forward.
3. Provide Choice to Engage (Toward Solution). In my own customer service example, Deborah offered two choices: Get it together and allow me to fix this for you, or continue to rage and we accomplish nothing. I chose the former. While the rare carrier might elect to spout just for the sake of it, the majority of carriers are actually seeking a solution. Once the situation has been de-escalated by following steps 1 and 2, at this point the path forward should be clear.
I believe these steps can be effectively applied to any Rudeness-20 encounter, not just those within customer service. This is one contagion where we don’t want herd immunity. That being said, it will take the efforts of the majority in order to bring this spread to a stop.
Together, let’s make kindness go viral.
cassie d'arpino 